The most important thing you can do is talk with your child, and encourage him or her to ask questions. Answer their questions as simply and accurately as you can.

Talk with the child about your feelings, and encourage the child to express his or her feelings. Listen to what the child says and how (s)he says it. Is the child expressing anxiety, fear, or insecurity?

Help them explore and understand these feelings. Watch the child at play to see what he or she is expressing here, as well. Children will often express strong emotions by acting them out through play.

While we're on the subject of playing, consider providing toys and activities that help the child relieve stress. This can include modeling clay, finger-painting, playing in water, or other messy activities that allow them to express themselves and relieve tension and stress.

You may find the child wants to hit or kick things, or otherwise behaves aggressively. This is normal; encourage the child to express these feelings by hitting a pillow, stuffed toy, or a ball. This will allow them to express the anger and tension in a non-harmful way.

Reassure the child, letting him or her know that you're going to help him or her through this, and that you're in it together. You may need to repeat these reassurances several times, and you may also need to answer questions more than once.

It's important that you not become impatient with the child if this happens. You may want to spend extra time with the child when you're putting him or her to bed, and you may find that even children who haven't been bothered by the dark in the past suddenly want a nightlight.

Touch is a key component of healing, especially for children. Hold and physically comfort the child--you may find this comforts you during a difficult time as well.

If you're concerned that the child is taking a long time to heal, or isn't getting his or her emotions worked through even with your help and support, you may want to consider finding a counselor for the child. Grief counselors and other mental health professionals are trained in helping both children and adults through stressful times and working through their grief.

In time of crisis we all feel the pain of destruction. For some the pain is a distant echo, a newspaper article or CNN report. Yet, many others' lives have been turned upside down with loved ones dead or still missing. Children are not immune to a crisis. They, too, feel a range of emotions--numbness, anger, confusion and uncertainty--if they experience or lose loved ones in a car wreck, an apartment building fire or a shootout in their school. The following is a brief list of ideas to help you, as the adult, help them in this time of crisis.

• Limit exposure to the images of destruction. It is important to be informed, but it can be harmful to constantly bombard children with excess information. For example, only watch the evening news reports instead of allowing viewing of the ongoing 24-hour coverage of a catastrophe, especially if the child is watching it alone. It is important, no matter how old we are, but especially true for children, that we need someone to talk to about the horrific events that we have witnessed.
   
• Avoid platitudes. Provide open, honest discussion that allows for exploration of a variety of emotions and opinions. Work to help the child normalize the grief they are experiencing.
   
• Do not make promises that you cannot keep. Reassure children about their safety but don't promise what you can't guarantee. For example, it's better not to say: "I will keep you safe always," or, "What happened in New York will never happen here."
   
• Talk, share, ask and answer questions but do not overload children with too much information at any one time. Keep answers short and make sure you were answering the question asked and not volunteering information the child is not ready to hear. Remember--children's experience of grief is dependent upon their developmental level, you would not say the same thing to a three-year-old that you would to a 17-year-old. Use open-ended questions to determine their level of understanding.
   
• Children find security in their routines. As much as possible try to maintain business as usual with only brief time set-aside for discussion as needed. Even in times of crisis children still need to be children. They can't be serious 24 hours a day; they still need to play.
   
• Help children identify their feelings and find safe ways to express them. It is not uncommon in times of crisis to see increases in violence and aggression. Anger is a normal, healthy part of grief. However, what is important is to help children find constructive ways to express their anger rather than destructive ways.
   
• Find ways for children to feel involved. Encourage them to write letters, draw pictures or create a memorial. Action is a positive antidote to the feelings of anger, helplessness, and powerlessness.
   
• Help your children's friends to express themselves. Be sure to address the needs of both the children directly affected by this catastrophe and their friends who don't know what to say them.
   
• Be aware of any long term emotional, physical or behavioral changes. While it is normal to see changes in all of these areas for a time, should those changes continue for long periods, do not be afraid to ask for professional guidance.
   
• Take care of yourself. This is good modeling for children to know how to take care themselves.
   

A Time To Mourn, A Time To Dance: Help For the Losses in Life is published by AAL QualityLife Resources, 1-800-778-1762.